Fire and Gasoline

I may have accidentally forgotten that I am my own entity – separate from Mas. We spend so much time together, we tend to meld into one. We tone down who we are and behave. We’re growing up and we still go on constant trips and have adventures, but it’s the day to day that’s changed.

I suddenly no longer felt that strong desire to go out and change the world. I’m content with getting off work, going the gym, eating dinner with Mas, cleaning, then bed. It’s total happiness and I love it, but I felt incomplete.

But then September came. September was just a bad month for me. Me. Not Mas and Me. Just me. All of my own problems to sort through.

I totally understand why that guy from Green Day slept through September. I kind of did the same. At the end of September, though,  I was suddenly jolted from my sleepy complacency into feelings of discomfort.

I can usually feel when a large shift is coming.

I knew a new job was coming, even though I’d spent 6 months looking to no avail. Last year, after I hit a bad spell of making the wrong decisions over and over again, I could feel the downward spiral coming to an end. I work hard to stay in tune with my life. I know that I can’t control everything, and the only thing left to do is be aware of what’s happening.

This discomfort was a completely new feeling altogether. I wasn’t unhappy. I wasn’t searching. I still felt like everything was going to be okay. I just felt on guard, raised my walls a little higher to protect myself from whatever was coming.

Then the storm came.

One dumb bad thing after another, like monstrous waves rocking my boat, but not one was a direct hit. It was a storm sent solely to wake me up.

Needless to say, I was awake and ready for September to be over.

When October came, I still felt that discomfort. Something needed to be changed. It’s unusual that I get to have a weekend all to myself, but that’s exactly what I had this last weekend. Just my thoughts and me in our little apartment. I saw friends and family during the day, but Mas was in Orange County and the nights were my own. I didn’t fight it. It felt like a gift.

I can’t explain it, but the time by myself on Saturday night jolted me. Re-lit that fire that had dimmed with a sudden surge. Like gasoline. I was forced to remember all the things that made me so passionate and vibrant before. I was overwhelmed by the heat re-surging inside me. The desire to live and love and travel and experience everything in this complex world.

Sunday was a doozy. Processing these feelings and emotions wasn’t an easy task, because it meant coming to grips with all of the things I smother deep inside me. But it was still wonderful.

Now it’s Monday, and I’ve soothed the burning to the point where I’m glowing. Re-lit but no longer overwhelmed by it.

I’m stoked that the weather is turning into fall (by California Standards). I love this season, and the change in weather is marking my own changing season.

Through all my time alone, I was able to come to grips with who I am and what I want – separate from the love of my life. All my cracks and crevices have been filled and I feel whole. Separate. Powerful. Content, but still on fire nonetheless. 

This is probably one of those entires I shouldn’t post. It probably doesn’t make much sense. But I wanted to document it. For me. So I can look back and remember the weekend that reminded me who I was and who I want to be.

I can feel the shift coming, but I have no idea what this one entails.