The thing is, I struggle with who I want to create myself to be.
Terry – my wonderful boss – told me that one of the stronger pieces of my personality enables me to adapt easily – which means it’s easy for me to make lots of different friends and I enjoy partaking in a whole spectrum of interesting things. I rarely say NO to new things – unless it’s food.
The counter side, Terry says, is that I don’t know which version is the true me. A painfully accurate statement.
Don’t get me wrong – I know my True North – I know what’s morally right and wrong. But this predicament of not always knowing WHO I am adds to my constant struggle with ego. Not to mention I’m 23 and am still trying to figure out who the heck I am, regardless of my personality type.
I look at Instagram in one finger pull and I think –
“Damn. Those Billabong surfer girls have it made! I want to spend my life in beautiful oceans.” Never mind that I’ve have yet to stand on a surf board because I’m too busy thinking about the unseen animals in the dark water bellow me.
“Wow I want to be a hippy like my friend traveling the world with no strings attached!” Never mind that I work so hard to put down roots and routines.
“Man oh man I want to grow up to be like Rachel Zoe or Lauren Conrad! Work in the fashion industry! Work my butt off and create my own company!” …actually this is kind of true.
“Maybe I’ll just settle down like my girlfriends having babies and become a stay at home mom! That looks so rewarding!” Despite the fact that I crave a career so badly. You can’t really wear a blazer when burping a newborn.
(Side note: The one common factor that I see amongst all these lifestyles is that they all work their butt off. Something I truly admire and value. I just need to dump my fear and do the same. And maybe delete my Facebook.. heh.)
I know who I am and what I admire, I just get lost in all of these potential lifestyles.
I’ve been on the same course since birth – High School Go-Getter, College Student Over-Acheiever, Great Career at a Young Age. No gap year. No backpacking. I can’t even watch a movie without doing 3 other things at the same time. Both my nature and nurture have made me who I am.
But I know there are other ways to live and work. Other ways that aren’t as encouraged by my family. Sometimes I worry that I’m too scared to follow these routes. Most of the time I know that I’m doing what’s right by me.
But after an incredible October filled with family (Mason’s and mine), friends (old and new), and adventures (of every kind)… I just feel like I finally know what makes me happy. I know who I want to be.
- I like tattoos. (Sorry Ma). I don’t want tattoos all over my body like some of my lovely friends, but I do like having a couple private ones.
- I like piercings. (Again.. sorry Ma.)
- I like eating in ways that benefit my body, the earth, the economy, and all the animals on this planet.
- I love to run and work my body hard. I’m going to start training for half marathons again!
- I love fashion. Especially neutral colors. Lacey things. Black black black.
- I prefer music to movies.
- I love writing and reading. I want to be a freelance writer so badly.
- I really admire women who work their butt off at a young age. These are my role models.
- I love people. Especially people who are different than me. Especially people who are similar to me.
- I like to party. I prefer it to casual drinking and sports. When I’m at sports bars I always feel like I’d rather be working or doing something productive. At least when I party I make memories.
- I freaking love coffee.
- I also freaking love freaking. Go ahead and judge me for saying it out loud haha.
- I am creative. I can write. I can draw. I can design. I have ideas. I love the lifestyle of an artist, even if it’s riskier.
After listing it out, I can see my vision board and all of these things were already on there. I feel content. I know who I am. I’ve always known who I am. I just need to summarize it every now again. I just need to partake in this life. Work hard, party, love, live, eat, enjoy.